Private School Vouchers for Bullied Children

                This week Florida legislatures introduced a bill that would provide the parents of bullied school children with vouchers that can be used for private schools. 

                Social media went nuts.  I would like to say I was surprised by the victim-shaming negativity that heralded such a bill, but all I felt was a profound weariness. 

                This is my response to the naysayers, and I’ll be addressing the points I saw being raised in criticism of this bill.

1)      Private School Kids Get Bullied Too

                This is one of those knee-jerk responses that drives me crazy because they display a lack of thought.

                Yes, private school kids get bullied too.  I imagine just as much.  Kids are kids, whether you put them in a public school, a private school, an activity, or camp.  Human nature is the same everywhere you go, and human beings suck.

                Here’s the difference: A parent that is already sending their kid to private school has options.  They can easily switch their bullied child to public school, or to another private school. They have financial resources.

                This is often not the case with the parent of a child in public school.  My parents, for instance, were repeatedly told that if they didn’t like the way the school was handling my bullying, they were welcome to put me in private school.  They would have, but they didn’t have the money. 

                Providing a parent with this voucher gives them other options.  They now have the ability to remove their child from a toxic environment before it does long lasting damage.

2)      Switching Your Child Teaches Them To Run Away From Their Problems

                Kenny Rogers famously sang, “You gotta know when to hold ‘em, know when to fold ‘em, know when to walk away, know when to run,” in his epic The Gambler.  These lyrics are not about gambling.  They’re about life.

                One of the most important skills a child can learn is when to give up.  In this society, we tend to stress the virtues of not being a quitter.  This may work against us when we find ourselves in a situation that is untenable.  In that instance, for our own well-being and future success, it is best to give up and put our energy towards something more productive.

                You would not tell a child being abused by an adult to “hang in there,” or “stand up for yourself.”  Nor would you give that advice to someone dealing with an abusive spouse.  Why would you then say that to a child suffering abuse at the hands of their peers?  Abuse is abuse.  It’s damaging no matter who the perpetrator. 

                Unfortunately, there are not many studies available detailing the long-term effects of childhood bullying.  But the statistics we do have are grim.  Victims have higher rates of depression, drug addiction, and mental illness.  They’re at higher risk to be in abusive relationships and commit suicide.  They tend to be less successful in life, not living up to their full potential.

                Basically, the childhood bullying statistics tell us that victims fare no better than their counterparts abused by adults.  The long-term effects are the same, suggesting at its core, the abuse inflicts identical damage.  Yet we don’t take bullying as seriously.

                People who hold this view that a child “needs to be taught to stand up for themselves” (and whenever I see this comment, I always ask the person “how?” and receive either insults or crickets in response) and that “switching schools is teaching a child to run away,” are not taking the problem seriously.  We’re not talking about isolated incidents of teasing.  We’re talking about children who are being systematically abused at the hands of their peers.

3)      Stand Up to the Bully

                It seems most adults have an anecdotal story about besting a bully as a child, and this leads to the view that it’s as simple as putting one child in their place.  The reality is it’s not.  When we’re discussing the problem of childhood bullying, we’re not talking about one child stealing the lunch money of smaller children.  Every child that has dealt with serious bullying knows this, as do parents whose children have been victims.

                There is not one bully.  There is an army.  Just like an army, there’s a hierarchal structure.  There’s a ringleader, usually a child that is popular and well-liked.  There are toadies who assist the bully directly and often target the victim separately themselves.  There are children in the field, who perhaps don’t seek your child out but will lob a few insults in their direction if they should happen to cross paths.  Then there are all the grunts, the nameless legions of children who turn their backs on the victim and refuse to show them any kindness or be their friend.  Part of the bullying is exclusion and isolation.  That cannot be accomplished by one child.

                Standing up to the ringleader is unthinkable.  Even if a victim manages to score points, victory is fleeting. 

                Faced with these circumstances…and it seems to me that this has become the norm in bullying…the only solution is to remove your child from school. 

                I reiterate, a victim is not dealing with one child ripping up their homework or stealing their lunch money.  That is an outdated image of bullying.  Instead, you’re dealing with the most popular kid in school and loads of their friends and kids who don’t dare challenge them. 

                You gotta know when to fold ‘em.

                By removing your child from that environment, you are not teaching them to run away.  Instead you’re teaching your child to leave a situation where they are being harmed and that nothing is more important than their well-being.  You handle individuals who mean to hurt you by walking away, not hanging around in some misguided effort to “stand up for yourself.”  Never expect another person to change because of something you do.

                If you force your child to remain in that situation, don’t be surprised if fifteen years later they keep returning to an abusive partner.  A child left in an abusive situation will select abusers to have relationships with later in life because it feels familiar to them.

                Abuse is never okay.  Teach your child that there is no shame in leaving abusive situations.  This is their life you’re playing around with, not a game of football.  Emotional scars don’t heal.  They’re forever.

4)      You’re Sending the Bully the Message That They’re Won

                As previously stated, children’s lives are not games with winners and losers.

                Secondly, trust me when I tell you the bullies will mourn the absence of your child like the loss of their dearest friend.

                The bullies derive enormous satisfaction and joy from torturing your child.  They feed off the child’s distress and humiliation like a vampire.  If you think they will celebrate their favorite live toy being taken away, guess again.  Not being able to be with your child is a punishment for them.  The bullying dynamic is much like that with an abusive spouse.  They need the victim to feel whole.

                You may discover some of your child’s bullies frantically trying to get in touch with him/her after their removal from school. 

                Just like with a victim of domestic violence, the only way to stop the abuse is to walk away and never speak to the person again.

                Once they recognize they have been permanently denied their victim, the bully will choose someone new.

                Yup.  It’s awful and everyone wishes they could prevent it from happening to another child.

                But you can’t control a bully’s parents, their friends, or the school authorities.

                You can’t control what other people do.

                All you can do is ensure your child is no longer abused.   Again, if you were being abused by your spouse you wouldn’t stick around and take the treatment out of concern for their next victim.

5)      The Best Way To Handle Bullying is Through The Police

                Yes, the police will be interested to hear all about how your child’s bullies convinced the whole school they had bugs, so no one would be his/her partner at gym and sit with them at lunch.

                I’m sure the police will be happy to arrest the bullies for saying your child is fat, smells, has lice, or talks funny.

                I’m sure there is a juvenile detention cell ready and waiting for the little shits who always pick your kid last in gym and then imitate his/her attempts to hit the ball until they burst into tears.

                Fortunately, there are very specific criminal charges regarding burping, making fart noises, and catcalling, “loser” when your child stands up in front of the class to read their A plus competition.

                Some bullying is physical, but the majority of it is emotional, an attack on the soul.  99.9% no clear crime has been committed.  Often, by the time people are even aware that bullying has crossed the line into criminal behavior, it’s only after the victim is dead.

6)      School Authorities Should Be Forced To Deal With Bullies

                Some time ago I read a story that teachers, school authorities etc, often sided with the bully against the victim.  Even more alarmingly, some of them admitted to actively disliking the victim and not blaming the bullies for their behavior.

                This unfortunately makes sense.  Bullies are often good-looking, charming, and manipulative.  They have many friends.  They’re smart, athletic, and popular.  People are drawn to them, and teachers and school personnel are only human.  Bullies are likable.

                In contrast, victims are not likeable.  People are at their worst when they are suffering.  They are irritable, withdrawn, defensive, and paranoid.  Unfortunately, bullying causes this behavior.  Now the educator is put into a position of having to decide whose story to believe, when your child is at their worst and the bullies are at their most charming, manipulative selves.

                The educator then ends up believing the bullies over the victim.  After all, there is the word of multiple people against that of your whiny, irritable child. 

                Dealing with school authorities who took the side of the bullies is a story many former victims tell.  Their cries for help fell on deaf ears, unless they retaliated, then they found themselves in trouble.

                The bottom line is school authorities deal with it by denying it’s happening.  In their minds, your child is asking for it.  They can’t blame the other kids for not liking the victim.  They don’t like the victim either.

                It’s essential that a victim be removed from such a toxic environment.  They are in pain. 

7)      The Bully Should Leave

                That’s just not feasible, for all the reasons already explored.  The bully is not a single person or a solitary unit.  The bully has an entire army of children to back them up.  Take away the ringleader, and the rest of the army will be enraged at your child.  The ringleader will use them to continue to torture your child from afar.  Educators will point to your child’s continued torment as evidence that they’re bringing it on themselves.

                In my case, after the ringleader left, the bullying lessened, but did not stop.  The damage had already been done.  I was the school outcast, the one to pick on, the target for everyone else’s rage and frustration.  That did not cease with the removal of one person.  This is why the victim needs to switch schools.

                In my opinion, introducing school vouchers to increase a parent’s options is a productive step forward in the fight to eradicate school bullying.  Removing the victim from the situation is the only way to stop their torment.

                 If you'd like to read more about my bullying experiences and it's aftermath, please see my semi-autobiographical novel, The Playground by Shannon Heuston, only 2.99 in the Kindle store.  Being as though I just lost my job yesterday (eek)! purchases are much appreciated.  Will write for food!  Literally.  Please click on the link below for my information.

 The Playground