Nine Warning Signs of Toxic People

                You’ve survived your childhood trauma.  Many years have passed.  You’re over it.  Aren’t you? But you keep finding yourself back in similar situations, as if you are deliberately recreating them.  What gives?

                It’s not your imagination.  Those of us who overcame problematic childhoods are drawn to the same type of people that once made our lives hell on earth.  It’s what we’re used to, and it feels familiar, even though it hurts.  Recognizing such individuals before we get too emotionally invested is an important step in breaking toxic patterns.

                What are the signs that you’re getting involved with a toxic person?

1)      You Catch Them in A Lie.   The first warning sign of every dysfunctional relationship has always been a lie.  To clarify, we’re not talking about little white lies like, “I feel fine,” when the person has been throwing up, or telling you they love the meatloaf you made for dinner while gagging.  In my experience, I’ve encountered people who lied about their age, their employment status, what they did for a living, and when their last relationship ended.  Each time the perpetrator justified the lie by claiming they were afraid I wouldn’t like them if I knew the truth.  Not only did they lie, they threw a little emotional manipulation in there too.  You know who lies?  Liars. Lying about something that may have affected your choice of this person as a friend or partner is a sign of worse to come.  Next.

2)      Love Bombing.  I’ve known for years that this is a classic sign of a personality disorder, and yet I disregard this glaring red flag every time.  It feels good to have someone crazy about you, like something out of the movies.  However, if you find yourself wondering how a virtual stranger could love you so fast, that’s the rational part of your brain warning they’re full of shit.  They’re luring you into a trap.  Once they’re satisfied they’ve “got” you, the mask will slip, and they’ll start showing their true colors.

3)      There Is Always Someone in the Wings. Their ex-girlfriend keeps texting them, a former co-worker is constantly trying to get them to grab coffee, their ex-wife answered the door when they dropped off the kids in a revealing negligee.  Damn!  They’re a hot ticket in demand everywhere, aren’t you lucky they chose you?  This has a name.  It’s called triangulation.  It occurs when a toxic individual tries to play two people off each other so then they can sit back and watch them fight.  You may think honesty is the best policy, but in the early stage of your relationship you’d rather not know about other women trying to get with them.  It’s like finding a fly in your Chardonnay.  They act like they can’t help that their ex-girlfriend keeps begging to get back together.  But they can help it.  Most phones have a block function.  If someone else is stressing your relationship, it’s because your partner is letting them.  Smell the coffee.  They’re not the problem, your partner is.  Very few people on this earth try to get attention from someone who is giving them none.  If they’re hanging around, it’s because your partner is encouraging them.

4)      They Keep Their Worlds Separate. This could mean cheating, but not necessarily.  In one case it was because my ex-boyfriend still harbored a vain hope of reconciling with his ex-wife.  Whatever the reason, if you’re not being integrated into your partner’s life and meeting friends and family, this relationship is a waste of your time.  People in love with a new partner want to show them off.  If they’re telling you they can’t live without you but still won’t introduce you to their parents, their words are not matching their actions.  Believe what they do, not what they say.

5)      Their Main Mode of Communication is Texting.  If you managed to snag someone before the whole texting revolution, count yourself lucky.  Texting is a great tool in the hands of a cheating, disloyal partner.  It makes it easy to maintain several relationships with very little effort.  Every woman on the dating scene has fallen into the texting trap.  You’re both busy with careers, friends, and hobbies, so you tell yourself it’s okay you haven’t seen each other in several weeks.  After all, you text each other all day long.  Beware.  Texting is not a replacement for actual physical contact.  In fact, if you’ve got a partner that texts a lot of generic messages, “Have a good day hun,” or Gifs or pictures, you’re probably not the only recipient.  Those texts may be going to multiple parties.  It’s called e-tethering.  Consider: wouldn’t you drop everything to see a new partner in person?  If they’re not doing that, they’re not all that interested.  They’re just stringing you along.  This can be extremely painful to realize after you’ve been love bombed, by the way.

6)      They’re Mean. Watch how they talk about and treat others, because that’s a good indication of how they’re going to be treating you.  If you see them being downright abusive to someone else (waitresses, friends, coworkers they dislike) they’re not a good person. 

7)      They Bring Up Your Insecurities. My number one insecurity is my weight. Always has been.  It’s been my experience that toxic individuals will go right for this button in two ways.  Either they will outright tell me I’m fat, and then state they’re just being honest, or they’ll tell me I’m not that fat and they think I’m beautiful anyway. Both are bad; both are emotional manipulations; both are designed to make you feel less worthy.  And it’s not only romantic partners that do this.  Female friends are great for this, too.  I had a friend of my ex boyfriend’s always giving me unsolicited dieting advice.  It was obnoxious.  Friends and lovers are supposed to build you up, not break you down.

8)      They’re Critical.  They see need for improvement.  You should get a better job.  Your house is messy.  You shouldn’t be living with roommates, you should be out on your own by now.  They don’t like your friends.  You have cats, and they hate cats.  They think your hobbies are stupid wastes of time.  They don’t like the way you dress.  They always have something negative to say about everything. Like Mr. Rogers said, people should like you just the way you are.

9)      They Accuse You of Being Needy. Needy is the new buzzword of the emotionally manipulative.  Just like no one wants to be fat, no one wants to be needy.  If you’re fat and needy, oh my God!  Full stop.  Needy means your needs are not being met.  If your partner (or friend) is not meeting your needs, you need to consider if this person is right for you.  You are not wrong for being needy.  Take me, for instance.  I’m pretty needy right now.  My mother died, I lost my job, started a new one, and found out my ex-boyfriend was married the whole time he was dating me, all in the space of a month and a half.  Guess what.  I have friends that are not taking my calls.  And it is not like I call them twenty-four seven.  I’m not a big talk on the phone person, so I call maybe once a week, if that.  So, I have “friends” that don’t answer the phone, don’t call me back, and even ignore my texts.  I’m at the point now where I’m considering ending these friendships.  I’m not sitting here thinking I need to be less needy.  Friends and lovers are supposed to support you in times of need.  If they’re not doing it, they need to go.  Don’t let anyone tell you that you’re wrong for having needs.  Like Mayou Angelou said, when people show you who they are, believe them.  I have people showing me they don’t really give a shit about me.  I’m leaning towards believing them right now.  Real friends support you in your time of need, they don’t put your calls straight to voicemail.

                                Hopefully, the preceding guidelines will save you a lot of heartache.  Remember, you are an adult now.  You have control of your life.  You get to say who stays and who goes.  Life is extremely short and it’s important who we let share ours. We all deserve caring, supportive friends.  Don’t accept anything less.