Finding Your SELF WORTH

                I spent over three years as the consolation prize.

                It was a position as familiar to me as a comfy old pair of pajamas.  Growing up, all I wanted was for someone to be my friend.  I wasn’t picky.  I just wanted a seat at the lunch table, so I didn’t have to sit alone.  I always knew if given a chance I would be the best friend any girl could ask for, but back then no one wanted to give me a chance.  Years of rejection made me believe I was broken, second rate, bargain basement goods.  I would let people treat me like garbage as long as they would tolerate my presence in their life.

                The end result was I wasted years on a man who didn’t love me and was hoping his former wife would come back.  At the end, he was talking marriage.  Not in the excited way of someone wanting to share a future with me, more like “we might as well.” 

               I balked.  I knew I would be signing up for a lifetime of being second best to a woman who cheated on him.  That was literally a life sentence.

                That feeling of not being as good as others has colored my entire life.

                I’ve endured a lifetime of being a consolation prize, the fall-back friend, the girl who happily picks up the pieces when your boyfriend dumps you, then returns to her solitary existence without complaint when you get back together. 

                In romantic relationships, I played second fiddle.  To other girlfriends, to wives, to children and friends and families and jobs.  I was never the priority.  I learned to be pathetically grateful when given crumbs.  I would drop whatever I was doing to meet up with my man on the spur of the moment, because he was so busy, and so important, and I just wasn’t.  I had nothing better to do than sit and wait for him to whistle.

                I believed that if I stayed patient, loyal, and true, eventually people would realize I was deserving and worthy.  Their eyes would open to what a wonderful woman I was.  Then they'd treat me right.

           But it never happened.  Instead, the minute my friend or lover had another demand on their time, they compensated by eliminating me.  I wasn’t worth their time.

                You teach people how to treat you.  Never in the history of the world has tolerating someone’s shit motivated them to treat you better.  I know this from personal experience.  People who treated me badly never saw the light and began treating me better.  They only started treating me worse.

                Instead of expecting people to treat me like a priority, I was waiting for someone to make me feel I deserved to be treated like a priority.  I was looking for others to validate my self-worth.  I had it backwards.

                  That ends now.  Sound familiar? 

                Then join me in no longer tolerating the following:

1.       People ignoring texts and phone calls.  This is bullshit.  I’m not talking about missing a text or call here and there.  People get busy.  And having gone from a job where I had nothing to do and texted all day to one that is extremely busy and I’m lucky to find time to eat lunch, I can sympathize.  But we all know the difference between someone not being able to get back to you and someone who doesn’t care enough to respond.  And as for phone calls, you can see that someone’s been calling you.  If you don’t call them back, you’re deliberately ignoring them.  No one should put up with that.  I’ve put up with years of this from both romantic partners and friends.  I’m not putting up with it anymore.  Anyone who can't be bothered to take ten seconds to answer me will no longer remain in my life.

2.       People who always rank their significant other a priority over you.  People should be flexible with their priorities.  Yes, your significant other should be a priority.  But if your best girlfriend just got dumped and is having a crisis, your boyfriend can shave his own back for once.  I’m serious here.  You should not be dancing attendance on your boyfriend’s every whim and to hell with your friends.  He can make his own frigging dinner, do his own laundry, and hang out playing Monopoly with his parents by himself.  Someone who ignores their friends in order to spend every second with their boyfriend doesn't deserve to have friends.  And soon won't.

3.       And along with that…People who only come around when their significant other is busy.  Oh, their boyfriend is hanging with his friends, so gee, now your friend is willing to hang out with you!  Lucky you!  You get his leftover shit all the time!  You should be so excited.  You’re second best yet again.  If this is a game, you get points if the whole time your friend hangs with you, they keep checking their phone to see if they've been summoned by their god.

4.       People who only call you when they need something from you.  Ditto.

5.       People who tell you to get rid of boyfriends/friends then ignore you after you do it.  So nice of you to advise me to dump my boyfriend.  Now I’m all alone because you’re too busy with your boyfriend to spend any time with me.  I know this because when I asked you to spend time with me you said, “I’m busy with my boyfriend.”  Nice to know you can take a moment to rub your successful relationship in my face.  Thanks.

6.       People who never, ever accept any invitations.  You invite them to your BBQ, to go bike riding, to go shopping, to go to lunch, dinner, etc.  It’s gotten to the point where you don’t invite them anywhere anymore because you feel like you’re being rejected over and over again.

7.       People who make you chase them.  Anyone who makes you chase them isn’t worth it.  Screw it.  Too much effort for too little return.

                Here’s the hard part.  You don’t suddenly decide you’re going to change your life and not put up with shitty behavior and then, to the thumping beat of an eighties motivational pop song, all these people who think you’re wonderful and want to treat you right come crawling out of the woodwork where they were waiting all along.  Life doesn’t happen that way.  Getting rid of people who treat you shitty can be a lonely, traumatic experience.  Because even if they were giving you crumbs, at least you weren’t starving.  Now you’re all alone.

                With your dignity intact.

                I’m a believer in the universe rewarding you when you get rid of the people who are just cluttering up your life and adding nothing positive.  We’ll see.  What I do know is it’s better to be alone, then being alone after having begged someone to hang out with you.  In one scenario you’re lonely but respect yourself, in the second you’re still lonely but you feel worthless.

                It takes guts to stand up for yourself.  But I believe it’s worth it in the long run.  Life is too short to waste on people who treat you like an option when you should be a priority.

                 Shitty relationships aren't worth the effort.  It's better to be alone and available for someone who will treat you better.