Thwarting Social Media Grifters

Tell me this hasn’t become a common scenario. 

                You’re browsing your newsfeed, and you stumble upon a request for money, usually in the form of a Go Fund Me account.  A child has died, and the family doesn’t have the funds to bury her.  A person has been stricken with cancer, and subsequently fired from their job.  Someone’s house burned down, and they lost all their possessions.  A litany of human grief and suffering. 

                And then there are those other people requesting money.

                You know the type.  You’ve encountered it at least once.  Someone is asking for help to pay for their daughter’s prom dress, or a plane ticket to attend a family member’s wedding, or the bicycle Petey always wanted.  You contribute, because their story tugs at your heartstrings.  Gosh, it’s so sad that Lois, a single mom, can’t afford to give her daughter the prom night of  her dreams! 

                Then a couple of days, or a week, or a month…a short time later…that same desperate person who begged for help is posting pictures of their two week vacation to Disney World, or their brand new car, or their lavish wedding. 

                Damn it, you want your twenty-five dollars back.  You can’t afford a new car, or a two week vacation, or a wedding that could equal a down payment on a house. Where the fuck does this person get off taking your hard-earned money?  They’re clearly not living in poverty.

                That’s not all.  A month later, they’re back, hand out, begging for money yet again for something else.

                We all know people like this.  They're our best friend from kindergarten, a former coworker, or some cousin of our spouse.

                The first time I encountered it, I’d already been annoyed by this friend’s non-stop entreaties for money.  Her family was in dire straits.  They were losing their house.  She couldn’t afford to buy her children back-to- school clothes, their septic system needed a major overhaul, their car broke down and they couldn’t afford the repair, etc. etc.   She was a needy mess constantly pleading for donations.  

                Then, friends and neighbors, she bought herself a BMW.  And posted pictures of the vehicle all over Facebook.   I am not joking.  A luxury car most of us cannot afford.  This was the same woman who allegedly couldn’t scratch up enough money to buy coats for her kids.  

                I missed this next part (goddamn it)! but I saw the fallout.  She composed a furious post stating that anyone that has a problem with her buying a BMW can defriend her now, because she works hard and deserves it.

                I didn’t defriend her then, because I was enjoying the drama too much.

                No, I defriended her a month later, when she posted yet another desperate plea for money. 

                Over the years, I’ve seen variations on this theme.  I find it infuriating.  There are people in real need.  Their truly desperate entreaties for help are being drowned out by the howling of social media grifters.  They have pride, so it’s difficult for them to ask for money, whereas the grifters have no shame and are aggressive.  Even display a sense of entitlement.

                Social media grifters count on donations as part of their income.  They’re professional beggars.  Milking you of your hard-earned money is part of their job, and they view it just as dispassionately.  They don’t see the glaring discrepancy between pleading for people to donate just a dollar out of their paycheck and going to Aruba two weeks later.  In their mind, one thing has nothing to do with the other.

                Social Media Grifters Share the Following Characteristics:

1.       Lack of Shame.  Ordinary people are very embarrassed if they need to ask for money.   Having to do so denotes failure, and this is especially difficult on social media, rife with old school friends and people they haven’t seen in years and want to impress.  Asking your high school acquaintances for a handout denotes a failure of sorts.  It’s not unlike showing up at your twenty-year reunion and passing the hat for money to pay your rent.  However, a grifter has no problem asking anyone, be it their third grade teacher or date to the eighth grade dance.  They view begging as part of their job, not as a commentary on who they are as a person.

2.       They Are Unable to Differentiate Between Wants and Needs When most of us have a financial setback, we compensate by slashing luxuries out of our budget.  When faced with unexpected costly catastrophe, we give up vacations and trips to amusement parks and new cars.  We do without.  Grifters don’t see giving up their cruise or new car as an option.  They see those items as necessities.  Therefore, they honestly do not understand why people get pissed off when they post their Disney photos one week after begging for money.  In their mind, they legitimately did not have the money to pay for their plumbing woes, because the money they had was earmarked for their vacation.  Cancelling the vacation or scaling it back, so they could pay for the repairs, was not an option in their minds.  Doing without something they want, to pay for something they need, is an alien concept. 

3.       They Don’t Ask Nicely.  They Demand. I’ve seen some posts where the person asking for money was so over the top nasty (it’s time for people to do things for us for a change since we’re always doing so much shit for other people) that I’m really shocked no one told them to fuck the hell off.   (Meanwhile the people in question had never done a damn thing for me).  Every time the grifter requests money, they seem to get nastier and more demanding, almost like you’ve put them out by making them ask. You should just send them a check each month.

4.       They Don’t Say Thank You. People who are sincerely grateful for your contribution go out of their way to thank you personally, because you are helping them out of a desperate circumstance.  Grifters disguise their demands for more money as thank yous.  “Thank you for everyone who has contributed but I still need X amount of dollars.  If everyone on my Facebook just contributed one dollar from their paycheck we’d make our goal.”  Does that include the people who already donated?  Terrific.

5.       They Demand to Know What You Do with Your Money.  I don’t know about the rest of you, but I like to ask the teller for crisp new bills, then throw handfuls of it up in the air screaming, “I’m rich!”  when I get home. Then I spend it all on sour balls, the type your grandmother used to have in their candy dish.  The point here is, None of Their Business.  You worked for your money.  It’s yours.  If you want to hoard it in a mattress, knock yourself out.  You are not obligated to give them money on command.  And it does not make you a bad person, either.  You are not hurting other people by keeping money you earned by legal means for yourself.  You are not greedy, or selfish, or bad, or evil.  You do not have to justify to anyone why you decided not to give them money. 

6.       They Guilt Trip You.  I was excited to post pictures of my brand-new car on Facebook to share my joy with my friends.  Not so excited to read the following bitter rant on a friend’s Facebook page the next day, “Did you really need that new car?  Think of all the good the money you wasted on that car could have done.”  I don’t feel I was out of line thinking that post was at least partially directed at me, and I was annoyed.  Prior to the new car purchase, I drove the same car for nearly thirteen years.  I was paying more in repairs than I would have paid for car payments on a new car.  It wasn’t cost effective for me to continue to drive my old vehicle, and I was worried it would break down on 684 during my commute.  I felt judged, and as I just demonstrated, like I had to justify my purchase and prove that yes, I did need a new car.  All my life, I’ve been one of the people who continually went without, so to be indirectly shamed the one time I indulged my desire for something new and shiny was distressing.   It seemed this person felt I didn’t deserve it.   I’d always been ridiculed for being the person who had old and shabby things, and then I was shamed when I bought something nice.  Can’t win.

7.       They Feel They’re Deserving, and You Are Not.   They had an awful childhood, they do things for others, they’re a single parent working two jobs…whatever their story, it gives them a sense of entitlement.  They feel you owe them.  So yes, like the friend who bought the BMW after months of claiming poverty and begging for handouts, they feel they deserve it.  They deserve a new car and a vacation, and asking for handouts to ensure it happens is just another way of getting their due.   After all, you should contribute to their cause.  And if you can’t afford a vacation, well, that’s your problem. 

 So how should one handle these individuals?

1.       Defriend Them.   I have made a conscious choice not to engage with people who deliberately and habitually make me feel bad about myself.  That includes people who think I should give them money and will resort to degrading me and others.  Buh-Bye. It doesn’t matter if you’ve known that person all your life.  No one should be berating and badgering you for handouts.  And please be aware, there is a world of difference between a grifter, and someone who legitimately needs help.  The latter is usually apologetic about asking for money, not demanding and aggressive.

2.       For the Love of God, Don’t Give Them Money!! Like I said, your money is yours to spend as you wish, and if you want to give this person handouts constantly, well, that’s your business.  But you may end up resentful, the way that I did after giving someone money, not getting a thank you and instead being privy to another angry, bitter demand for money.  A grifter will never have enough money.  Don’t think giving them money is a one time deal and then they’ll stop asking.  No, they’ll ask more because they know you’re a soft touch.  Then you’re sitting at home, surfing through your newsfeed on a cold and rainy day looking at pictures of them suntanned and happy on a beach somewhere on a vacation you can’t afford.

        Grifters have become a sad fact of life.  Learning to identify them and cut them off is essential to maintaining our sanity.  At the end of the day, they’re taking attention (and funds) away from people who are really in need.  Anyone who can afford a vacation or a new car or to attend concerts or the theater or countless other things doesn’t need handouts.  Somewhere a family that lost their home isn’t getting money because it’s being diverted to a grifter.  Have a one and then done policy…if you donated money to someone and they’re asking again, they’ll never have enough, and they’ll never stop asking.  Don’t play their game.