One of the issues that has come up when I've discussed bullying, particularly with my teacher friends, is their perception that everything is being labeled as bullying. Basically, that there are times when people overreact to what is really teasing and the overreaction ends up causing the students in question more harm than good. The end result is that the students are more traumatized by the reaction of the perceived behavior rather than the behavior itself. And it also lumps extremely serious incidents of bullying in with mild playground teasing with the end result that neither is taken seriously.
This is a valid concern, and after much thought I have decided to address this issue. When it a behavior bullying, and when is it teasing?
The truth is the line between the two can be an extremely thin one. To make the matter more confusing, what may be bullying to one child may be merely teasing to another. There is no universal one size fits all when it comes to bullying, and I think that is one area where educators, parents, etc make a mistake.
So who decides when an action is bullying, and when it is teasing?
The answer to that is simple: the subject. Not the educator, not the casual observer, not a parent or a playground monitor or any of the other authority figures a child may encounter during their daily life. The subject of the teasing or bullying is the one who decides.
I think some definitions are in order. In my book, teasing is playful banter, it's a joke, it is often a way for one child to bond with another or get their attention.
Bullying is abuse. It is an attempt to gain power and control over another individual. It leaves lasting scars.
The way to determine what is occurring is to listen to the child who is on the receiving end of the behavior. How does it feel? Do they feel that the other child is joking, trying to make friends, being playful? And how do the words and actions exchanged make them feel? Do they feel good? Do they think it's funny? Do they feel encouraged to respond to the child in kind? If so, they are being teased. Teasing feels good.
If a child reports that they feel embarrassed, concerned, scared, upset, want to avoid the situation and the other child...any and all of the above...they are being bullied. Bullying feels bad.
From my past experiences of bullying, I think I was scarred the most by adults who dismissed my experience and didn't listen to me. "He's only teasing," "He likes you," are some of the things I was repeatedly told. Meanwhile, I dreaded school with every fiber of my being and wanted to literally die to get away from it.
Never dismiss a child's experience or invalidate it. Again, the subject of the behavior is the one who decides if they are being bullying or teased. Not a casual adult observer anxious to dismiss a victim's complaints because it's easier for every party involved except the victim.
When you as an adult do not listen and you dismiss a victim's complaints, you are sending that child a lifelong message that their feelings are not valid and they do not matter. Particularly if the bullying is systematic and consistent. That their pain is their own fault, that they are flawed because they are overreacting to the behavior, that it's no big deal, that they must deal with it alone. All that does is solve the adult's problem, because you've discouraged the victim from disclosing the abuse...and it is abuse...and you have taught the victim that it is okay for them to be hurt and abused. That is the gift that keeps on giving their whole life through. When a victim is told to be quiet, not to make waves, that they are being dramatic, they will grow up into adults unable to stand up for themselves. This can have lasting repercussions that permeate every aspect of their adult life and flavor every interaction.
You are also sending an equally harmful message to the bully...that that do not have to stop when they hear the word no. They can do whatever they please without considering someone else's feelings. That their behavior is okay, and if someone complains about it, it's the complainer's problem, not theirs.
Where does that message end up? If a bully's impulses are not checked and discouraged as a child, if they are not taught to respect other people's feelings, then they will grow into a selfish, controlling adult who abuses those around them and thinks it's no big deal and the problem lies with their victim. People like this abound in society.
It can be difficult to discern teasing from bullying. One little girl might not mind a little boy pulling her hair, especially if she likes him. Because Nancy is okay with Billy pulling her hair, does not mean it should be okay for him to also pull Carrie's hair. Carrie does not like having her hair pulled. So then we have a situation where Billy teases Nancy but he's bullying Carrie...and the difference lies in the perception of his behavior by the subject.
This is an important lesson for any child to learn, because through life one person may not mind a behavior while another does, and you need to learn to respect other people's feelings. This lesson permeates EVERY walk of life. In the workplace, it may be okay to ask out one woman repeatedly until she gives in and says yes because the woman in question likes the behavior and likes the man doing it. Another woman, however, may view this as harassment. We all need to learn to perceive when a behavior is welcome and when it is not. Every child needs to learn this basic lesson, that everyone is different and feels differently and you have to respect that.
Adults need to respect this too, by not adopting a one size fits all approach. They need to send the message that when someone communicates that a behavior is not welcome, that communication needs to be heeded. It does not matter if the behavior was welcomed by someone else. Everyone is different and that is okay.
If you have questions about how a child in your charge feels, ask them! And listen to what they tell you! Let them be the ones to decide what feels good and what does not. And teach them to listen to their peers when they express their feelings...to hear the words "leave me alone," and heed them.
This would go a long way to solving the bullying problem facing our society today.
Did you enjoy this post? Then check out the novel I wrote based on my childhood bullying experiences, The Playground, available for only 2.99 in the Kindle store!
This is a valid concern, and after much thought I have decided to address this issue. When it a behavior bullying, and when is it teasing?
The truth is the line between the two can be an extremely thin one. To make the matter more confusing, what may be bullying to one child may be merely teasing to another. There is no universal one size fits all when it comes to bullying, and I think that is one area where educators, parents, etc make a mistake.
So who decides when an action is bullying, and when it is teasing?
The answer to that is simple: the subject. Not the educator, not the casual observer, not a parent or a playground monitor or any of the other authority figures a child may encounter during their daily life. The subject of the teasing or bullying is the one who decides.
I think some definitions are in order. In my book, teasing is playful banter, it's a joke, it is often a way for one child to bond with another or get their attention.
Bullying is abuse. It is an attempt to gain power and control over another individual. It leaves lasting scars.
The way to determine what is occurring is to listen to the child who is on the receiving end of the behavior. How does it feel? Do they feel that the other child is joking, trying to make friends, being playful? And how do the words and actions exchanged make them feel? Do they feel good? Do they think it's funny? Do they feel encouraged to respond to the child in kind? If so, they are being teased. Teasing feels good.
If a child reports that they feel embarrassed, concerned, scared, upset, want to avoid the situation and the other child...any and all of the above...they are being bullied. Bullying feels bad.
From my past experiences of bullying, I think I was scarred the most by adults who dismissed my experience and didn't listen to me. "He's only teasing," "He likes you," are some of the things I was repeatedly told. Meanwhile, I dreaded school with every fiber of my being and wanted to literally die to get away from it.
Never dismiss a child's experience or invalidate it. Again, the subject of the behavior is the one who decides if they are being bullying or teased. Not a casual adult observer anxious to dismiss a victim's complaints because it's easier for every party involved except the victim.
When you as an adult do not listen and you dismiss a victim's complaints, you are sending that child a lifelong message that their feelings are not valid and they do not matter. Particularly if the bullying is systematic and consistent. That their pain is their own fault, that they are flawed because they are overreacting to the behavior, that it's no big deal, that they must deal with it alone. All that does is solve the adult's problem, because you've discouraged the victim from disclosing the abuse...and it is abuse...and you have taught the victim that it is okay for them to be hurt and abused. That is the gift that keeps on giving their whole life through. When a victim is told to be quiet, not to make waves, that they are being dramatic, they will grow up into adults unable to stand up for themselves. This can have lasting repercussions that permeate every aspect of their adult life and flavor every interaction.
You are also sending an equally harmful message to the bully...that that do not have to stop when they hear the word no. They can do whatever they please without considering someone else's feelings. That their behavior is okay, and if someone complains about it, it's the complainer's problem, not theirs.
Where does that message end up? If a bully's impulses are not checked and discouraged as a child, if they are not taught to respect other people's feelings, then they will grow into a selfish, controlling adult who abuses those around them and thinks it's no big deal and the problem lies with their victim. People like this abound in society.
It can be difficult to discern teasing from bullying. One little girl might not mind a little boy pulling her hair, especially if she likes him. Because Nancy is okay with Billy pulling her hair, does not mean it should be okay for him to also pull Carrie's hair. Carrie does not like having her hair pulled. So then we have a situation where Billy teases Nancy but he's bullying Carrie...and the difference lies in the perception of his behavior by the subject.
This is an important lesson for any child to learn, because through life one person may not mind a behavior while another does, and you need to learn to respect other people's feelings. This lesson permeates EVERY walk of life. In the workplace, it may be okay to ask out one woman repeatedly until she gives in and says yes because the woman in question likes the behavior and likes the man doing it. Another woman, however, may view this as harassment. We all need to learn to perceive when a behavior is welcome and when it is not. Every child needs to learn this basic lesson, that everyone is different and feels differently and you have to respect that.
Adults need to respect this too, by not adopting a one size fits all approach. They need to send the message that when someone communicates that a behavior is not welcome, that communication needs to be heeded. It does not matter if the behavior was welcomed by someone else. Everyone is different and that is okay.
If you have questions about how a child in your charge feels, ask them! And listen to what they tell you! Let them be the ones to decide what feels good and what does not. And teach them to listen to their peers when they express their feelings...to hear the words "leave me alone," and heed them.
This would go a long way to solving the bullying problem facing our society today.
Did you enjoy this post? Then check out the novel I wrote based on my childhood bullying experiences, The Playground, available for only 2.99 in the Kindle store!
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