If
you’re around my age, within the last decade or so you’ve witnessed something
alarming: the disappearance of all the things that defined your childhood. In what seems like a very short time, you’ve
morphed into someone mourning the experiences the new generations will never
get to have that were sort of cool in a messed up, twisted way. So let’s remove our hats and say a prayer for
the disappearance of the following:
1. Saturday Morning Cartoons. They seemed
timeless, so you only noticed when they gone after they’d been like, long gone. A whole generation of adults never
experienced this magical kick-off to the weekend. This was the only time the media paid
attention to children, as the big three networks vied for their
viewership. Some of the cartoons were
badly designed spin-offs of prime time shows…we had Happy Days the cartoon, where the gang wound up being transported
via spaceship to the planet of the Krolacs (my cousin and I terrorized the
house bouncing around screeching “Krolac attack! Krolack attack!” which was how the inhabitants
of the planet of Krolacs inexplicably warned their prey), Punky Brewster, Roseanne
Barr, and probably countless others I’m not even thinking of right
now. CBS had Dungeons and Dragons, Muppet Babies, and Pee-Wee’s Playhouse, NBC had Gummy
Bears and The Smurfs, ABC had Super Friends, Scooby Doo, and the ABC Weekend Special, which was usually
based on a book. It was awesome. And now it’s been gone for decades, replaced
by the same morning talk shows targeted at grown-ups that air every other day
of the week. I know some of the cable
stations run a watered down version of the Saturday Morning cartoons, but it’s
not the same.
2. Riding Shotgun, Sitting in the Way Back of
Station Wagons, or Riding in the Bed of a Pick-Up Truck. There was nothing more fun as a kid. Laws regarding cars were a lot more lax than
they are now. It wasn’t even the law in
NY state to wear a seatbelt until 1984, and that was only if you were riding in
the front. I don’t know when
Massachusetts made seat belt wearing a law, but it was after New York, because
my father justified not obeying the law for years by the fact that we’re originally
from Boston and MA did not have seatbelt laws.
Oh, and car seats? Forget
it. Only tiny infants had them when I
was growing up. I have very clear
memories of my father’s stop and grab…he’d stop short, then grab me before I tumbled
from the passenger seat. Sometimes he wasn’t
fast enough, and I wound up on the floor under the dashboard. No joke.
3. Potty Training Seats. Do you know how I was toilet trained? Someone sat on the toilet with
me, so I wouldn’t fall in.
Seriously. There are pictures of my
older sister, fully clothed, sitting on the toilet with me so I wouldn’t end up
in it. Granted, I was toilet trained
when I was barely two, which probably explains why I’m such a slob today. My mother used to brag about that all the
time. Now that’s considered a bit messed
up, on par with teaching your cat to use the toilet.
4. Leaving Young Kids Alone. Nowadays, if you leave your small children
alone for any length of time, they’ll be alone in a foster home, but back then
it was not unusual. I remember being
left alone with my three-year old sister at the age of seven. Probably only for a half hour or so while my
mother ran to the store, but nowadays a parent wouldn’t dare. All I received were strict instructions not to
open the door to anyone, not to answer the phone, and not to use the
stove. (My mother liked to relate how my
older sister, given similar instructions, refused to let my grandparents into our apartment when we lived in Boston, taking the not to open the door edict extremely literally). Also,
latch key kids were a major feature of the eighties. Kids with both parents working who had to let
themselves into their house and do their homework and start dinner.
5. Saying the Pledge of Allegiance Before
School. I was astounded when I
discovered children don’t say this anymore.
We said it every morning from kindergarten until the day I
graduated. It did give the day some
structure, a clear beginning. Am I
distressed that it’s not recited anymore?
No, of course not, I’m a liberal.
Honestly, I think if you should pledge allegiance to anything, you should understand what you’re
saying, not just mouth words to please elders.
Then again, it didn’t hurt my ability to independently think. After the pledge, we
usually sang a song, not The Star Spangled
Banner, because that was beyond our abilities, but America the Beautiful or My Country Tis of Thee. (was that even the
name of that song)? I remember relating when Beverly Cleary’s Ramona in Ramona the Pest, thought the “dawnzer”
was a lamp that gave a lee light. I also
had difficulty interpreting that line as “the dawn’s early light.”
6. Hitting Kids. Let me just say, despite my belief to the contrary
at the time, my parents rarely laid a hand on us. I never got hit with a belt or a wooden
spoon, I got whacked once in a while, usually for getting mouthy, and it was always
just once. I was one of the lucky
ones. During the eighties and early
nineties, corporal punishment was good discipline. For some reason we inexplicably persist in believing
that made us superior, more respectful human beings, even though empirical
evidence would suggest otherwise.
From we’re I’m standing, we did a pretty good job effing the world
up, despite getting the wooden spoon, and the way we talk to each other on
social media suggests that maybe we didn’t get our asses beat enough to be
effective, if it was supposed to be a cure-all.
I don’t believe that less violence in society is a bad thing. That's just the way I feel.
7. Parties
in School. I’ve heard tell that “parties in school” no longer include
refreshments. Too many students are gluten
free, or allergic to everything, and since you can’t really be assured that
home cupcakes were made in a sterile kitchen, there you have it. I don’t think my child self would be able to
muster up the same enthusiasm for a party where we all paint together and drink
water. That to me is art class. It’s sad you can’t celebrate your
child’s birthday anymore with cupcakes.
8. Not Being Chosen. Back in the day, you
tried out for something, and there was a chance you wouldn’t get it. I never seemed to get anything I tried out
for. Apparently trying and never
getting anywhere was supposed to teach your life lessons and be character
building. Well, we don’t have that
anymore. Usually all kids are
automatically accepted to the team, just the bad ones will have to ride the
bench. It’s so much worse. It gives them hope they can improve. Things were better back in the eighties, when
you had no hope.
9. Dry Erase Boards on your Dorm Room Door. It
makes me profoundly sad that an entire generation of college kids are being
robbed of the experience of having the marker for your door dry erase board
stolen, or walking down the hall reading messages left on everyone’s door. It was just something that created a feeling
of community. Now you just text the
person. Boring. You’ll never discover your green marker
missing, step into the elevator, only to see “your green marker was here on 3/18/97”
written on the wall, as I did.
10. Driving a Clunker. This has fallen out
of vogue. Kids don’t work for cars
anymore, they either are gifted one by their parents or they go without. Back when I was young, my fellow students got
part time jobs to buy cars, which meant they purchased whatever they could
afford as soon as they mustered the cash.
One of my fellow high school students drove a car that had a hole in the
gas tank, so he could never fill it more than a quarter of a tank. I never had the pleasure of catching a ride
in this vehicle, but I heard colorful stories regarding road trips embarked upon
in this vehicle, where all the gas stations along the way had to be carefully
mapped out. Good times.
11. Computer Labs. Computers were in their
infancy when I was in school. There was
no internet. We played Space Quarks and
Oregon Trail on them. Few people owned
them (and I envied the kids who did…nonstop
Oregon Trail)! So schools had computer labs.
If you had to print something, the paper was on a long perforated roll. You had to separate the sheets and take off
the perforated trim when you were done, and God help you if the roll ran out
when you were using it. Loading another
roll was a complicated, specialized process.
12. Typewriters. I owned a Sears Electric
Typewriter, having received it for Christmas when I was eleven. My parents noticed how much I liked to
write, and figured that would help. It
was a pain the ass, because it ran out of ink all the time, and if you made a mistake, erasing it was a complicated process that involved using the “correction
tape.” Still, it was my prize possession
for many years. Then, for a brief period
in the nineties, I owned a Brother Word Processor. This was amazing, since I could save files to
floppy disks. The printer was a daisy
wheel. It was obsolete by the time I was
a junior in college, giving it a brief three year run.
There you have my list, folks, and
it’s by no means complete. Anything you’d
like to add?
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