Dealing With Depression

                Most of us will suffer from depression at one time or another.  It may be situational, triggered by the death of a parent or a break-up, or it may be chemical, a long lasting funk caused by something going haywire in the brain.  Regardless, I feel it’s safe to say that all of us have felt it at one time or other.  Maybe we never went so far as to plan our own suicide, but we’d all had moments when we’ve thought, “I wish I didn’t have to deal with this anymore.”  Or, in my case,  wish I could have a do-over, since now that I’ve reached middle age it appears increasingly obvious that my life needs a reset button like a game system.

                The tricky thing about depression is, although most of us will experience a serious depression in our lifetime (whether we admit it or not) we are unequipped to deal with friends when it’s their turn.  Much like women not remembering childbirth, we develop selective amnesia when it comes to remembering how awful our depression felt.

                Sometimes we need a little reminder of how it feels, and what not to say or do when a friend or loved one is in the throes of it.

1.       “Stop feeling sorry for yourself.”  This is the most unempathetic statement that can be uttered to someone with depression, and yet I’ve had it said to me while in the depths of despair more than once.  “Feeling sorry for yourself,” is pouting because someone ate the rest of the ice cream, or you didn’t get what you wanted for Christmas, or you got stuck in traffic and missed a television program you really wanted to see.  When you’re feeling sorry for yourself, you’re being immature.  Telling that to someone with depression…which, let’s recap, is a mental illness… is insulting in the extreme.  It is not helpful. You’re basically telling them to stop being childish.   Not only is the person you said that to still depressed, they also now think you’re an asshole and they won’t confide in you anymore.

2.       “Snap out of it.”  Sure.  If only it were so simple.  News flash: people that are depressed are suffering and in pain.  Human nature is such that we try to avoid pain.  If we could “snap out of it,” we would.  The statement “snapping out of it,” doesn’t jolt me out of depression and into rationality, it makes me feel that you don’t want to deal with me, that my feelings inconvenience you.  Which is probably true.

3.       “So many people have it worse than you…” Sure.  That’s just what those suffering from depression want to hear.  Points if you then went and listed all the people who have it worse.  You know what someone who is depressed hears when you do that?  Life is a neverending march of suck to varying degrees.  Might as well end it, because I have it good, and if this is what good looks like, I don’t ever want to experience bad.  Good job.  Way to cheer up your depressed friend. 

4.       Tell them their worst fears are true.  When I’m depressed and say “I’m always going to be alone and I’m never going to find the one for me”, don’t say, “not everyone finds the one,” or “at this point it’s unlikely, so get used to being alone.”  Jesus Christ, don’t agree with me!   

5.       Get mad and/or threaten them.  If a friend tells you they’re feeling alone and don’t feel life is worth living, the worst possible thing you can do is react to that with anger.  Don’t make it about you, ie, “how do you think I feel, I’m here, you’re not alone!” or “If you ever make a statement like that to me again I’m calling the police.”  That doesn’t cure your friend’s depression.  That just means they won’t tell you about it.

6.       Tell them they need help.  Let’s be honest.  No one wants to hear that.  When we hear that, we hear, “you’re crazy,” “you’re broken,” “you have something MAJORALLY wrong with you.”  Many depressed people do need help.  But unless they’re holding a razor blade to their wrist, you need them to come to that conclusion on their own.  Saying that to them just makes them shut down and stop talking to you about it. 

Here are some things you should do to help a depressed friend:

1.       Listen without trying to solve the problem.  Let them tell you what’s wrong and how awful they feel.  Commiserate.  If you read some of the don’ts above, you will notice that in many cases you are trying to solve the problem when you can’t.   You cannot stop someone else from being depressed.  You can make them feel better by listening.

2.       Coax them out of the house and into the sun.  Depression is often associated with reduced ultraviolet light.  Many people, myself included, suffer a mild form of depression during the winter because we’re not getting enough sun. 

3.       Encourage them to exercise.  Endorphins combat depression

4.       Spend time with them.  Even if you’re just watching a movie.  I cannot speak for every depressed person out there, but in my case it’s when I’m alone that my inner demons wake. 

5.       Let them know you care.  Those of us who have suffered serious depression in the past often stopped short of suicide because they didn’t want loved ones to suffer after our death. 

6.       Pet a dog, or a cat.  Animals can often combat depression.  Borrow a dog and take it for a walk with your friend.  Stop by the animal shelter.  Bring your own pet over for a cuddle.

        Yesterday, while perusing Twitter, some chronically depressed people were discussing the fact that whenever someone commits suicide, people always inevitably say they had no idea the person was depressed.

        “I tell people all the time that I’m depressed, but they don’t want to listen,” one person complained. Several others concurred.  Truer words have never been spoken.  I’ve had depressed friends tell me they’re lonely, or sad, or they don’t feel life is worth living.  For some reason, our knee jerk response is to dismiss these feelings or say something unhelpful, then later on state we didn’t know how bad they felt.

        I’ve only known one person who committed suicide, and although it was a shock, everyone knew he was struggling in the weeks leading up the event.  People simply didn’t know he felt that bad.  Here’s the thing:  do we ever know?  Even if the person outright says to you, “I don’t feel life is worth living,” do we ever think they’re going to take their own life?  The human condition is such that we always believe we’ll have a chance to make things right tomorrow.  We need to understand that tomorrow may never come for some people.  We need to make time today.  We can’t dismiss someone’s feelings as being a passing fancy or childish or a temporary funk. 

        Don’t post suicide hotline numbers and think you’ve done your due diligence in dealing with your friend’s depression.  Be that voice in the night.  Be the person that listens.  Be the one who pulls them back from the brink.  Because sometimes, when someone is in the depths of despair and about to end it all, just one person caring can make all the difference.

        Like I said, pretty much all of us have suffered through a major depressive episode.  Tell me your thoughts. Anything to add?