Confessions of A People Pleaser

                I’m a people pleaser.  I enjoy going out of my way to make others feel worthy, special, and good about themselves.  I’m childless, and at forty-four years of age, I think it’s safe to assume I will not be contributing to the gene pool.  I feel I’m making my contribution to the universe by being good to others, and that if I’m good to others, it will inspire them to be good too, with the end result that I’ll be leaving this world a better place than when I entered it.

                However, I’m only human.  There are aspects of human nature that we all possess, such as being self-centered and selfish, and although I wish I didn’t have those traits, I’m imperfect.  I am flawed, like everyone else.  I’m not a saint, nor am I the next Mother Theresa, and I’m sure even Mother Theresa was a bitch when she was PMSING.

                These are my confessions:

1.       It DOES Make Me Feel Good to Do Things for Others.  I suppose if I was a completely altruistic human being, I wouldn’t feel anything at all about doing things for others.  It would just come naturally, done unthinkingly and without thought.  Not an occasion to gloat over my own goodness or feel a flush of satisfaction over being such a good person.  However, I suspect if one didn’t get off on doing good, nothing good would ever get done. 

2.       I Like to Build Up Other’s Self Worth and Esteem Because Mine Was Torn Down. Many of us people pleasers have an abusive past.  We can spend hours debating the psychology of our people pleasing ways; but when it comes down to it, I like to give others what I never received myself.   I suppose I’m attempting to heal the wounded little girl inside of me through others.

3.       Sometimes I Go Out of My Way for Others Because I Like the Attention.  Come on, you know if you surprise a coworker with a birthday cake you baked yourself, you’re going to be the toast of the office for the day.  That is never my primary motivation…my primary motivation is always #2.  But it’s a secondary benefit.  Of course, I like getting attention for being good to someone!  I suppose this makes it an attention seeking behavior.  But pretty much everything we do in life is attention seeking, from putting on makeup to working hard on a report, so this is no different except it makes someone else happy too.  Win win!

4.       Others May Consider My Belief System Childishly Simplistic and Naïve.  I’ve never been one for organized religion, I don’t consider myself a Christian (certainly not the modern version of Christianity) but I embrace the teachings of Christ.  Particularly the ones about doing unto others and treating the lowliest among us as if it were God himself.  I believe everyone should be treated with dignity and respect and we’re all equal in the eyes of whatever entity created us.   On the occasions I’ve revealed my motivations for being nice to others, people have scoffed at me, dismissed me as being innocent, or told me this world was going to chew me up and spit me out.  Well, I’m forty-four, and I’m still here.  It bugs me when people are condescending about my belief system.  I guess I’m supposed to be a cynical asshole going around treating people like shit in order to be taken seriously.  No thanks.

5.       People Often See Me as A Doormat and A Punching Bag and That Really Hurts. Funny that my treating everyone with respect often translates to people treating me with zero.  It can be disheartening that my efforts to build certain people up appear to motivate them to be  assholes.

6.       Sometimes I Feel Entitled, Which Leads to Resentment. I’ve seen this phenomenon among other “do gooders” so I know what a turn-off it is, but like I said, I’m not perfect.  It’s just that, after day after day going out of my way for everyone around me, you’d think someone could do something for me once, right?  I don’t do good deeds expecting anything in return, but when I’ve walked the extra mile forty times, and no one can do a single fucking thing for me once, it pisses me off.   Even though I have no right to expect others to go out of their way for me.

7.       I Want People to Like Me.  I Have a History of People Rejecting Me.  I had a sad childhood.  I was an outcast in school and many of my classmates bullied me, and my parents were self-centered, self-involved, and neglected me.  (They’re both gone now, so I can finally speak the truth.  I loved them both, but they were sucky parents.  They are a prime example of a couple who had kids because of societal pressures, but didn’t really want them).  I try to buy affection sometimes.  I’ve gotten a lot better about this, but the inclination persists.  My past has taught me that I’m not good enough for people to like me for me, so I need to sweeten the deal.

8.       I Swallow Back My Feelings Until They Erupt. I’m so focused on pleasing people that I tend to ignore when they’re not pleasing me until I flip out, often over something relatively minor.  We people pleasers don’t want to be disliked, so we tend to tolerate disrespectful treatment or someone taking advantage of us for far too long.  It’s hard for us to stand up for ourselves.

9.       I’m An Emotional Eater. Subverting my own desires for those of others can be exhausting.  I’ve learned to reward myself with food.  It’s an uncomplicated way to give myself the pleasure I regularly deny myself.  Maybe it’s not healthy for me, but when did I ever worry about myself?  I’m not alone in this.  I read a statistic that a high percentage of healthcare workers are overweight.  You wouldn’t think this would be the case; after all, they dispense health advice.  But, they tend to be people pleasers, and patients’ families often reward the nursing staff with gifts of food.  A recipe for disaster.

10.   Deep Down, I Believe Karma Will Reward Me.  It just doesn’t seem to be happening in this lifetime, so I choose to believe in the next one.  Let’s be honest, it’s not a sign of purity of purpose when you secretly believe somewhere some entity is keeping score.  But since the Bible goes on about how you’ll receive your rewards in heaven for being good on earth, I’m thinking I’m not the only one harboring this motivation.

                Here’s the thing:  No matter how bad it is for me as a person, I’m never going to stop wanting to please others.  Maybe it’s because I’m broken, but I have an unquenchable desire to make others happy.  No matter how detrimental it is to me, I can’t think it’s a bad thing.  We can choose to put positive energy in to the universe, or negative.  I choose to put positive.   And yup, my motivations for doing it aren’t always unselfish.  There’s no denying that it satisfies me, as well.

                I’m only human.  I suspect even Mother Theresa sometimes tolerated shit only because she thought it was earning her a ticket into heaven.  At the end of the day, does it matter why someone tries to do good deeds?