People I Can Do Without Next Christmas

                Give me a break.

                I struggled to stay positive and upbeat during the holidays, despite the fact that 2018 was a spectacularly bad year for me and I just wanted to hide under the covers until it was over.  I did my Christmas shopping, made the obligated family rounds, and emotionally ate chocolate the entire time.  I watched most of my old Christmas favorites, A Christmas Carol, National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation, and It’s A Wonderful Life.  Now Christmas is over, New Year’s is upon us, and I’m celebrating my version of Festivus, my style.

                Now without further ado, here is my list of the people I’d like to do without next Christmas:

1.       The Person Who Gets to the Head of A Very Long Line and is STILL Shopping

I’m not talking, they’re grabbing impulse buys off the rack put there specifically for that purpose and tossing them on the belt.  I’m talking, their husband or daughter (it’s always a woman, to be honest) is still bringing purchases up to the counter while they’re being rung up.  And, without fail, the entire line always ends up waiting for husband/daughter to return with something else.

This happens at both department stores and grocery stores alike and it’s inconsiderate as hell.  There should be an actual RULE that you are done shopping once you enter the line for the cashier, and if you forgot something you need to get off the line and/or pay for your purchases, get it, and wait in line again.

2.       The Do-Gooder Who Shames Everyone Else

Seriously, shut the hell up.  It may shock this person to know that plenty of us give money to charitable organizations and/or help others in a million different ways all year round, and not just during the holidays.  We just don’t announce it on social media for an ego stroke.  Most of us were taught growing up that giving charity should be a quiet and private thing, not something you do to feed your own narcissism.  I work hard for my money, as does everyone else, and I don’t have to justify how I spend it, why I spend it, and what I buy with it to anyone.  It’s none of your business.  Unless I’m asking you to support me.

3.       The Family Member Who Interrupts You or Talks Over You

Ah, nothing says, “I don’t give a flying fuck about what you have to say,” more than this behavior!  I thought it was only me who dealt with such disrespect from my nearest and dearest, but no, divulging that I deal with this rude behavior at pretty much every family gathering has encouraged my peers to reveal that they, too, endure it as well.  This behavior takes three forms.  During the first form, you’re having a conversation and a family member decides you’re taking too long and/or is not interested, so they just start talking over you like you’re not speaking.  Usually an older relative is the perpetrator.  Even though you’re forty-five, they still act like you’re a five-year-old talking about your caterpillar collection, which is how this behavior makes you feel. (My late mother used to do this to me all the time, and it drove me bananas).   The second form is when you’re talking to a parent, and their child or spouse keep interrupting to ask stupid questions, because the attention is off them for five seconds and they just can’t handle it. (And usually the children are adults, because real children are too busy playing with their toys to bother with adult conversation).  The third is the most annoying of all.  The conversation would probably go something like this:

                Them:  How’s the new job coming along?

                You:  Well, it started off a bit…”

                Them (to son):  Honey, do you want more mashed potatoes?
                Son: Sure do, Mommy!  You make the best mashed potatoes!  (Major points if the son in question is AN ADULT).

                Them:  That’s because I use real cream, sweetie!  (laugh) I’m so glad you’re enjoying them! (To you) What were you saying?

                Me: Well, it started off a bit rocky, because I didn’t know…”

                Them: (to boyfriend) Are you leaving soon?  What time you do you need to be there?

                Boyfriend:  I’m going to leave in ten minutes.  I don’t need to be there a specific time, I’ll get there when I get there.

                Me:  As I was saying, I didn’t know…

                Them: What were you talking about again?

                Me:  Forget it.

                Them:  No, really, I want to hear it.  (To daughter) Honey, there’s more rolls if you want them…

                Me: FORGET IT.

In this example, a relative asked you a question, that you erroneously thought you should try to answer in depth, and not with a standard “Good,” that you would tell an acquaintance.  Because you know, you think you should be trying to connect with your family and strengthening your relationship and all.  Your bad.  No, this person wanted a generic “new job is good,” so they could feel satisfied they checked in with you and then move on to the people they feel are more important.  Lesson learned: Don’t try to have conversations with people who don’t give a shit, relatives or otherwise.  If I sound a bit bitter, it’s because I AM.

               

4.       That Guest Who Shows Up Empty Handed Every Year

Their attendance at your family party has now become a tradition going back at least ten years, and they’re so comfortable they are now bringing multiple guests, and you don’t know how this started.  This person is not related to you, she’s like your sister’s boyfriend’s next door neighbor from childhood or something.  Every Christmas she shows up, often with guests in tow, but no gifts, no food, not even a bottle of alcohol.  And she cleans up, (as in gifts, not after the party, no fucking way this moocher will lift a finger) because she’s expected, so everyone is obligated to buy her a gift.  Every other year she will show up unexpectedly with a gift for the host, which is a candle or something that is clearly a regift.  My favorite Christmas story involving this individual is when she handed me a gift, rendering me speechless, because never before had this cheap ass done such a thing, only to snatch it off my lap a moment or two later snarling, “That’s for your mother,” like she hadn’t just handed it to me with no explanation.  Yup.  Women and men like this are the Christmas gift that keep on giving the whole year through, because they’ll show up for Easter and the Fourth of July and select birthdays, too.

5.       The Chairman

Ah, the chairman.  That annoying blowhard who must dominate every aspect of conversation.  You will be whispering to your sister about how bad your cramps are today and not only must he be privy to that conversation, he needs to offer a comment.  You spend the majority of family dinners wishing he’d just shut up for two seconds.  The chairman has it in his head that he’s the life of the party, but people are usually rolling their eyes to each other after his not-so-witty remarks.  Afterwards, people say things like “you can’t have a conversation with anyone around him.”  He must be included in every conversation, during which he will offer his two cents, usually on a topic he knows nothing about, or he’ll change the subject.  The chairman also will talk over people.  If you’re shyly sharing news of your engagement and talking about your wedding plans, the chairman will decide to shout down to Cousin Bill at the other end of the table about how the Cowboys are doing this year, rendering you unable to continue.  The chairman must control all aspects of conversation, and offer his opinion on everything, or he’ll change the subject.

                Well, there you have it, folks.  I feel better letting this out.  Tell us, who are the people you could do without next year?  Don’t hold back.